.. Have you ever felt so broken that you just dont want to get up. Like nothing can ever feel right again. I cant even start. Nobody will ever know, this is something that we have to do alone. I have to take time to think about this one.. I don't even know if im happy for what I did.. Or if im slowly dying. It doesnt even make sence at this moment in time. I feel like I have nothing to say, when, in fact, I have so much to say that I cant even control it. Can this actually be happening though? Can I actually be feeling like this. Im dead. My world has tooken a cold corner. I've isolated myself. from everyone. I've pulled people up from these kind of situations, when their so down that they just need someone to grab ahold of them. and help. Why can't I help myself? Why cant i grab myself up from this hole and bring me back to life. To reality. I feel so alone. In this mess. left to sufer. I feel so selfish. Why am I doing this to myself?! As much as i wish i wasn't though.. I cant stop. Its something that I just cant control on my own. No one gets it. I have noone to tell, and relate and share. All I know is that ive hit rock bottom before, and now im scraping the dark cold bottom of it all. I love you. could that be it. No. its not. Im just in so much pain, i cant even talk about it.. describe it or allow anyone to feel it with me. Ive ignored the knocks on my door, my phone beeping and the calls ive been getting.. I talk to anyone. My mood isnt right. I just want to be alone. But I know that nothing good will come of that.. Crying just expresses it. It doesnt take the presure off. You dont know what im talking about. Why do i feeeell ssoooo alonnee ?! I know im not. But i cant help feeling different.. I just need you. YOU. everyone that ive ever given my heart to has turned away. Used me. Left me. Not knowing it, but taking a peice of me away.. And leaving something permanent. All feeling is gone. Its so numb.. Everyone has someone. I mean, there WILL be someone that will draw me in. again. maybe shatter me more, or fill my gaps. All I know is that i need you. want you.. Again. I need to see you once more. You dont even know what you do to me.
My thoughts, they are scattered. My mind, it is freezing. My body, it is hurting. I have this feeling. This picture. I just want it to leave though. Be gone, forever. Like you. Forever. Stop coming into my life.. You're like a disease of the heart. one that manifests forever. Will never leave. Will never stop.
Just go already.. You're so fake.
And it hurts.
I hate these smile's. why is everyone so happy. Why do I pretend so much ? My friend needs me.. But I can't talk to him.. His problems are worse than mine. His dad. His mom. Him. But as much as I help the people around me, has anyone ever stopped to help me? I cant help you. but can you return the favor ? Im not perfect. not even fucking close. I dont get it, why cant you give me a chance.. the way you gave her a chance... Or just STOP coming around here. I dont want you in my life. You hurt me without knowing it. Did i forget to mention, I miss my friends. And i miss you. =(
I want to help you help me. Music's just describing my feelings, and make it hurt more, sink deeper. Where are you now ? Why cant I find someone..
I remember everyone that leaves. everyone that comes.
I just need a hug.
x.
