Dyllan , stop hacking my blog. Just visit the website. AYY EY EY AYY.

Here is something that I have not done in a while. Written everything out.

So here's too my bunched up, crumpled up, and used up feelings.. Doing nothing up coming up.

My words feel simple. But they have a greater meaning, if you just look a little deeper and try to feel a little stronger, you will figure out all that I have figured out. If you follow what I have followed, and treasured all that I have treasured, loved all that I have loved and felt all that I have felt upon me.. then here's something you will understand. When you re-open the vivid days to when you had it all right in front of you, when you could never picture anything this beautiful leaving your side; when the only pain you felt was parting but the days would never end. Every moment that I was there could not be wasted. Life it self could not be wasted when I surrounded myself with thoughts of you. Everything about you, all your compassion, faith, empathy and your loving soul is what makes every thought so desirable. I felt as though I were nothing when we were merely compared.You have everything that nobody shall ever know that that is what they need. Nothing could ever go wrong when you were filling every space in my head, every sense my body had. Everything I had, It was too be yours. I hope one day your words will once again be fresh in my presence. And I will never ave to fret again. For I have found you. And you shall never leave my empty mind, that is nothing but filled with you.

x.

you're an awful person. and i hate you because of it.

fuck around with me no more.

x.

TAKE IT.

All I can say is don't fuck around with me, you piece of shit.

I met a new guy today. He is so fucking dreamy.

YUP.

x.

I've had that mother fucker on that mother fucking mind of yours all day.

My phone would be fucked for the whole night, the break, then fix somehow? Then start working again.

Amye would just get all of my texts and just ask to call me. Ben would do that. My best friend would get back stabbed like that. People just don't know how to act anyone. Most obviously do NOT know what they have...

I dont like how my best friend moved on so fast.. We used to be everything in each others worlds. But I guess things do change in time. I just miss her.. A lot. I don't want to bring anything up from my past with her. But my friendship with her is a repeat that I am having with someone else, does that even make sense ? Or like my old guy best friend =( He used to call me all the time, txt me, bbm me, 24/7 .. But now he won't even keep up a conversation with me? .. He got back together with his girlfriend. I think that's the reason.

I guess people change and move on.. Nothing we can do about it. Life still goes on, whether you're ready for it or not..

I'm not ready for it..

x.

understand?.

I hold onto the people I've known for a while now. They're all I have. Moving moving moving is all I do. My friendships die so quickly now. It's the worst feeling ever.

x.

..

I feel awful.. I feel like the worst person alive. I am sick of missing so many people. I need to stop that. I need to stop missing my friend, the way they used to be. Does that make me selfish.. I don't even know.. I can't even think. I miss .. Everything.. Can we go back to this time last year. I would do everything different.. EVERYTHING. From family issues, to friend problems and ofcourse how much I liked some people. That was the worst thing ever.

I am sick of being a bitch, so i'm going to stop.

I am sick of always telling my feelings at the wrong time, to the wrong people, i'm going to learn.

I am sick of choosing shity ass people to be in my life, I'm going to believe I can do better.

I am sick of being negative, I am going to have faith.

I am sick of feeling like my best friends don't care, I'm going to try harder.

I don't like feeling like my life has decieved me, I'm going to stand my ground.

I am sick of you hurting me, I'm going to learn.

I am never going to leave you alone. I have faith in you..

I attract to weak people. Those weak people are stronger than I am right now.

I am caring, i'm trying.

I feel like i have been nothing but a shity ass mother fucking loser of a friend lately. I am too much of a selfish/jealous/ignorant/obnoxious BITCH..

I suck a being a friend to some people.. And they show me I suck at it too.. =(

FUCK , sorry i am not as good as everyone else is your fucking life. Don't have to push me out and treat me like shit. That is how I feel. Honestly. I mean nothing to some people , we all know that fucking feeling.

x

i. give. up.

FUCK MY LAST TWEET DIDNT MAKE ANY SENSE, THEN I GO TO RETWEET SOMETHING, AND NOTICE SOMETHING ON TWITTER THAT MAKES ME NOT WANT TO TWEET TONIGHT..

holy jesus mother effer !

WTF is wrong with you. wtf is wrong with the world. omg. I'm ranting. I want to rant. About how wrong society is. How parents make some kids lives hell. How hearts get beaten down so easily because everyone has their heart on their sleeve now-a-days. I fucking hate this. I fucking hate you. i fucking hate the word hate. I am a victim in denial. If only you understood my words.. my meanings to things. Everything I think I need, has been a lie. You lied to me. You deceived me, you broke me down. And lifted me back up. You found my weak spot. Then made it weaker. I suck at writing. And at expressing my feelings. I fucking suck at this..

Im going to fix this situation.. I fucking hate people that don't care though ! Like HONESTLY, you expect me to care when you don't.. Holy fuck that is NOT how things go the fuck down. WOW. I am so mad at our friendship, and our family. And my life. The way I can, no. The way YOU can throw shit away that easily.

Wow thoughts in my head.. I just want my friends back. I want someone to make me feel like I have someone here again.. I miss .. i do not even know what I miss anymore..

How sad is that..

x.

THIS IS ALL I CAN SAY

STOP FUCKING WITH MY HEAD

It's not even cool. And I am NOT fucking with your head, I like to make lots of people jealous, weather it be my best guy friend, or that stupid bitch that always glares at me in the hall.

I have a head ache. I wish I could say EVERYTHING that is on my mind. I wish someone would ask me what is on my mind... I am actually starting to think that the perfect HUMAN for me doesn't exist. fuck this shit. I need sleep.

x.

I did it again..

Always. I always do it. Fuck things up. And I always go back and think of all the other things I could have said. I feel sick. So sick. Stop getting so hung up on this. I'm just nervous. And upset.. EXTREMELY. I feel like I should just tell myself to give up, but i've don't that too much and i do not want to give up anymore ! I have to fight for what I want, what I neeeed. .. What can I do. pass out and watch the world pass me by some more. I was off of the ground, and now this is just bringing me to my knees again. I read once, something that went like " When the world brings you to your knees it's the perfect time to pray " But.. I already do that..

.. I'm going to do what I always do.

Giving up is something I am NOT about to do right now though .. As long as people don't give up on me.. And stop fucking around with my life, and my feelings.

Like Owl City had once said " Are you there, or are you just a decoy of my dream in my head "

eff. I'm now laughing at myself. FTW.

Kassie (L). Shes my new everything, one of my new best friends.

x.

Is my love your drug ?

I've had in mind for a while now to make this insane post. I\m such a loser lol. But then.. I got to thinking.. WOW, my blog died. Amen to the people that still read it bahaha. I almost feel bad for them.

But, in the end, I just want to say a huge thank you to the people that fuck everything up. That give you messed up advice, and mixed signals. Thanks for helping me fall back onto my face. I'm not blaming you. No. I'm just trying to decipher who my real friends are. And who the ..

I'm thinking about getting a tattoo. Obv something more than meaningful.. I just need to feel like it's something that I want. " No pain is forever " Across the collar bone ? hmm.

I don't even know anymore; however, I do know that i am getting overly frustrated with some people who can not make up their minds. The ones that lead you on and then slowly break your heart. The ones that kill you with every word they say. When you get that feeling in your stomach. when your gut wrenches. Or maybe when you feel your heart fall. And your words become lifeless. And when the beauty is gone from everything. Or maybe, it's when you look outside and notice the beauty in everything around you, and the people in your life. The positive in everything. Right now, I want you in my life. But I don't need you here when you are going to do nothing but fuck around with my emotions. .. Maybe it's true. .. Maybe I just don't need you.

This doesn't even make any sense..

x.

This one is obviously for you.

The one you hear too much about. The one that never gets recognized. The one that everyone knows. This one is too you. The ones who would do anything to keep you happy. The ones that strive to keep things alive. This one is for the people that don't give care how far away you are, they will still always be there for you. For the people that .. wait.. What ?

For who ?

x.

just think about it,k?

Fade away fade away fade away. All I want to do is just go away. Make everything better, put people out of their pain. Go away go away go away. All I want to do is to go away. I want to stop making everyones lives pieces of shit. Leave this place, leave this place, leave this place. I just want to leave this place.. I want to fade away, go away and leave this place. I want this Earth to never remember my face.

x.

Things are yet to come..

I can just sit around forever, and not fix the problem. I swear it. I need to actually tell myself I can do it. Or else I just sit there, and fail. I don't need to practice. I need to DO. .. I made a poster for my room, and stuck it at the end of my bed it says "No pain is forever" Then my friend wrote on it "Unless you have chronic back pain" thanks for that one. Getting over things is something that I find myself to struggle at doing.

OH KASSIE IS CALLING eeee

x.

Oh no..

I fucked up bad this time.. No undoing it.. No restarting. It's there now.. Forever. Never shall this one fade away. I hope people will still accept me after all of this is done.. I don't even know anyone that could understand this predicament. fuck. I'm feeling so sick.

x.

Talk about another free journey.

LOOL @ my last blog post.

Talk about, weak, pathetic and borring. I don't even know what to blog about anymore.

Life goes by too fast. People go away too fast. Everything changes in a snap. Nothing is forever, and anything can be whatever. I would rather me miss you, then you be unhappy. Seeing you frown in this lonely, unhappy, cruel mess that we all crawl and live in. This dark cave, where only the strongest find that thing called happiness, I'd rather you be the one that makes it out. The one that gets off of his knees and manifests into a stronger being.. The one that will never look back. And ignore the painful calls. I want you to be stronger. You. I'd do and give anything.

Then there's that other side, the one that only certain individuals see, the one that you pull out on in a crowded night. The one that no one likes too see. Not even you. It confuses everyone, and puts more hate on yourself.. You just do not understand. But I will look past those weak thoughts and desperate cries. I will be your light. Pull you here. Be always near.

We want you to help me. We want me to strive. We want you to stop failing. And to just be alive.

We don't want anything the same.. Opposites will always fade and die..

x.

It's hard to be lovers, but it's harder to be friends.

YAH ! To Leanne Rimes and Bon Jovi.. Moving on..

I hate when you're dying to talk to someone, but you don't want to seem really annoying.. And such. So you wait for them to talk to you first, and then they don't talk to you when you want to talk to them, but instead they talk to you when you don't want to talk to them and this is really wordy and in my head i'm "saying" this really fast !

Life is too busy for me right now. Thank God that this week is going by slow. I haven't felt like I was at a fair pace in almost forever.. Classes were sooo boring today. But I'm not going to talk about my day, LAME !.

What are you supposed to do, when you feel right about something, and you can just tell, that someone else feels right about the same thing.. But you BOTH are too shy/scared of actually taking a chance and talking to each other. Oh, if the world was at more peace than it is now, the things that we could all have. Brighter friendships, closer relationships and more self respect?. Over.

I love when people pour their hearts out.

x.

i know you do, i know you.. I know you do..

I am sick of fucking people saying sorry. It's such a repeat, day after day. And I can truly say, I'm sick of it. Stupid blog. I am sick of a lot of things. Stop putting words in my mouth. Damn.

So tired. So drained. All I do is sleep. All the. Time. Not so healthy. Get out and see the world kid. Live each day. You have no choice but too. Don't be free. But fall. Then get back up. Ignore constant beat downs. Keep the positives going. Don't forget to make who you are along the way. ..

x.

We had it all figured it.

.. Yah.. I was going to do an intense blog post. But I don't fell it anymore. Just that things are different. And I'm having a hard time accepting it. And I only vent to people I don't give a shit about. And that's a lie.

.Screw you. People who can't make up their minds.

x.

We drifted away like the leaves in the fall.

It is always flattering when someone comments me. But when they type it, and it's like they spell it wrong, or don't use proper grammar I kinda get turned off right away. It just bugs me when people do not know the differencebetween " You're " or " Your" .. =/ or all those other words.

Today I told Lang that I was going to talk to this cute guy.. And she told me not too =S I don't know.. I thought I had a good chance, guess I was wrong though =/.

You know what bugs me, that people are so accustomed to saying " I love you ". It is so rehearsed. After phone conversations, before going to bed, waking up, seeing the person. Can't people just say it to remind the person. When they feel as though the words need to be said?. Not after every conversation, but more when they're needed to be head and said. I love when a friend is having a bad time, and they just need to be told that someone loves them, I love when I bring people up:) as corny as that sounds.. I like making people feel better with my words. I would like it more if I knew how to use my words though.

Urg, I am so down today, mostly because I am hungry.. I need to eat. I have so much more to say right now, but it can wait..

x.

DRIVES ME CRAZY.

You smile weird, and your hair is really bad, and your clothing is awful because your style is so cliche. I am SICK of you being so high on yourself all the time. I can't even picture this anymore. And you being so god damn.. Great.
And I wish you wouldn't..
I wish you would..
Why did we have to..
And I just think that you always ..
And I want to you ..
.. Go away.




x. =(

Everyones heart doesn't beat the same.

Green Day = paused.
Blankets = on.
Going to drink Buckleys till I pass out ? Check.
I hate being sick, i'd like to meet one person that likes it. I also hate missing school. Knowing that I am at home while all my friends are else where, all cluttered together, makes me want to not be at home. I hate being at home. I hate not being out. I don't like people that do not like going out. Sometimes, I do enjoy sitting at home! .. omfg. I'm going to stop. This is the most boring post ever.
Did not get much sleep last night, was on the phone with Kassie for like.. EVER. I was almost falling asleep on her ! <3 I'm in love with Landon Pigg. And the movie Whip It. I got it like two days ago, and I've already watched the shit out of it. AND SHUTTER ISLAND. omg omg omg omg omg omg. Im going AGAIN tomorrow:):)

I wish I could write amazing poetry, that could make people feel weak in their knees, and put their hearts more at ease. I wish my words would impact peoples lives, and thoughts. I wish I could write a million stories that would take away everyones emptiness. I wish those stories and poems would make people realize how beautiful life is, and how much choice each and every individual has. I wish I could give people strength with a simple haiku. And make others believe that today can be just as bright as tomorrow. I wish my words could bring a friendship back together. I can write my thoughts, and develop my feelings. But I just wish my words would say something.


x.

Just another thing you wont understand

Deprived of the power to feel normally, Numb.

Right now, I can not find a pen.. But I cant find my key board and this website.

Pain. We all feel it. Different types, emotionally and physically. It will always be there with us. Something that we just can not get rid of. Some people feel pain from loved ones, strangers. And others may feel it by bruises, scars, or maybe someone feels pain from their own mistakes. But you can not have self inflected, mutilation without pain that was previously there. What they've done to themselves. It all adds up. Goes back to one or more things. Some pain may deepen with time, other cases may fade away, and strike back with a different mask. But pain will always be within us. Something everyone has to dread, or may be love. Most learn to dwell in their pain, while others just learn to live with it, shake it off and continue. Some people reside to abuse their body to try and free them of this feeling. While the other half is hurting others, with their hurt. It is something we can not kick. Some pain may scar us forever, while other pain may be gone within a weeks time..

All I am trying to do is build off what has fallen in my life. And live by means that are simply easy to follow. The beauty in life is what most look past.. The beauty in life is what I look past.

I feel pain from loved ones, from the strangers in my life. I feel pain that will scar me forever, and mutilate my body. Pain that will tear my heart, and weaken my limbs. Things will always be here.. In me. Apart of me. Make me. Shape me.. Be me.

x.

Just another thing you wont understand

PLEASE. From the start im only going to break your heart.

NOOO MOREEE. I am so filled to the brim. Today was good, a change. This whole month has been a change, I manged to drag some of my past along with me, some good friends, some old friends, but I think now, It's time to move on. Put my past in.. the past ! I'm not going to attempt anything. Or change anything, for now. I'm just going to let life happen. Happen the way it's supposed to happen.. Well actually, I'm going to make life happen how it's supposed to. Why'd I just repeat myself ?

My art is going into the District Art Show. I called it: Pigmently Challenged.

Secretly, i am really upset right now.. I can't stand this =/ But i won't tell anyone that.

I have too many secrets now-a-days. Too many things to not care about. Too many concerns..

I need to relax. I think it's funny, that people I've never met before can tell me they love me, but my best friends can't. Whatever. Taylor Swifts new song is weak. She needs another life crisis, a harsh one, then maybe she can produce better music like she once had.

Thank you Kellie Pickler. Your song writers are amazing. OMG GREEN DAY ON TOUR AGAIN ! THIS SUMMMER OMFG OMFG OMFG OMFG. I can nooottt believe this !! AAHHH. I am SOO excited, Front of the mosh again ? AYUP fucking yes. FUCK. This will be amazing..

Things come together with time..

x.

over like it never started

FUCK THAT SHIT AS FUCKING IF !

I'm done !! This is the line. Friendship = WRECKED. My best friend is telling me to give up, because me and her, we're going to give up together. Fuck you. Fuck guys. EVERY GUY. I no longer want any guy in my life. I hit delete and erased EVERY fucked up thing i had to remember. I'm starting new. Fuck the people who have hurt me, fuck the people that I miss, fuck my mom, fuck my life that I once lead, FUCK THE PEOPLE WHO DON'T RESPECT, I give EVERYONE everything ! I put my fucking all into just about everything !!! I TRY BECAUSE I GIVE A SHIIT ! More than you can say.. Look at you. I hate it, I hate what you've become. I hate who you are. I hate that I once knew you. I hate that you're in my life.

NOWS A CLEAN FUCKING SLATE. I'm done with everything that once made me cry, laugh, pain, smile. It all. I'm done.

I've been straight edge for 7 months now. And I hope you don't like that, because that's how i'm staying. I'm not going to think about my past and get awful feelings. I'm NOT. I'm not going to go home.

I'm going to live in the now ! And I'm going to through everyone who acts as though they're better than me out. I don't deserve the shity people in my life.. Well not all of them are shity. Just the ones that only come to me when they need or want something. I'm too passive, and too much of a people pleaser. SO FUCKKKK YOOOUUUUUUUU. I'm changing. For me. Fuck fake people. I'm so sick of people who can't fucking make up their minds either !! LIKE FUCK.. go away.

FUCKING DYKES.

x.

to you..

Dear you. Where do I start..

Tell me where to go, and who to be.. Or just disappear. And go away because honestly, I don't need you here. But truly, I just always want you to be near..

x.

I thought I had at least some answers..

I donnnnnttt carrreee annyyyymooooreee. Cant life just go on. Like really. oh wait. It is. And I am getting stuck in the past. Like wow. I love how I can tell what people actually care in my life. And what people don't. I complain too much. But I don't give a fuck.

Im not sure of anything now..

But I am sure, without my friends .. I wouldn't be as strong.

Old friends make me smile, ill have to keep it like this. Even though... I only want you.

stop pretending..

x.

This is a new one.. Something so the same.

I get a mixture of feelings when I think about my mom, and why she moved me out to Saskatchewan. I often wonder how my life would be different if I still lived in Pentiction.. Seeing all the kids I went to school with.. Then I wonder how I would be different if I was still in Princeton. But I think I know that answer. I would of probably been in a position that wouldn't look to good. But I really hate my mom when I think about everyone and the friends that they grew up with.. I could of had friends that I grew up with, have amazing friendships =/ . But I don't and I won't ever again. So. I have to learn how to deal with the now, and get rid of my anger or whatever conflict I have inside of me.. I just hate feeling like no one really knows me..

I told this girl I just met, but she's different, she .. gets it, more than most people would have.. I told her my past O.O .. Almost all of it.. I've never told ANYONE my whole entire past. But I KNOW that she won't judge me.. I see a great friendship here.

My friendships are my alcohol.

And, the hole keeps growing bigger, and bigger. That one that I can feel forming each and every day..

I want you. LOL. That is all I can say. AND FUCK I HOPE NO ONE READS THIS POST hahahh...

But I want to wait, but I am SICK of waiting =/ (obvious yet). I guess for now, all I can say is that this is my daily routine.. Maybe, Forever more also. There is no point to wait for somebody that will never come. And there's no point to wait for somebody that will waste time when trying to get to you. And there is no point to wait for somebody who doesn't want you waiting for them.

I need to get my head out of the clouds, and bulk up..

Please let me be for the day. But never leave me.

x.

A bigger fuck you right back.

Wow. again. replay. replay. replay.

As if one of my " best friends " Is blowing me off again. For whatever reason, I don't even give a fuck. I am SO done with this kind of shit. Fucking bullshit. Why can't I be at home right now. I am SICK of this constant shit. I can not wait to grow out of these friends. Wow, why am I having such a bad year for friends.

Now she's calling me crying.. I am such a weak person. I can't be mad when everyone is bullying her.. Because, I know what it is like when people give up on you when you need them the most.

Sorry.

x.

This is the truth. And I am only skipping what parts are too good to be true..

MWHAHAHAHAAHAHAH

Okay, I am done. No .. I'm serious.. I am DONE. I feel like just ending the post here, but that would make me doubt myself. I pretty much believe in everything.. And I believe in you TOO much.. I didn't know that it was possible to like someone so much that you just feel like leaving them be.. And letting them go on with life. I feel like if I keep interrupting in your life, that I am totally screwing things up. So my plan, it is to slowly walk away. Like, I feel as though I have already done what needs to be done in your life.. Well everyones lifes. I think that it is time for new people. Refresh. Throw away the people that have no reason to be here.. Get it?. Because I sure don't.

Sometimes, I hate being single. And other times I love it, so much. But the good thing about being in a relationship is that you're with your best friend, and they understand your problems. That is what I feel a relationship should be like anyways. I think that is why I like to date my best friends FML LOL like Drake.. He wasn't a good friend.. But I believe that is why it didn't work out, he didn't get me before. OHH btw, I AM writing this for amye. and Amye, I hope this explains to you what I mean lolol.

Have you ever thought that some people come into your life, at the wrong time though?. There is this person, and I think they came into my life at the wrong time.. I don't think I am ready for them.. I'm confused. And I hate Taylor Swift for reading my mind and making songs.

Just keep trying, I am going to tell myself to fight for what I want. But the thing is, I am NOT going to sit around forever. All the doors are closing, I'm trying to move ahead and deep inside I wish it's me instead.

I just want you to know, That I've been fighting to let you go. Some days I make it through and then there's nights that never end.

x.