But I was looking at my facebook, well more like staring at it blank fully. And then i was clicking around, and somehow got to my friends profile.. Cool, i'm on this persons page that I don't talk to anymore. This person is like amazing at taking pictures, like really good. Better than anyone I know. She has a group on facebook and takes peoples wedding pictures and stuff like that.. Then I got thinking how her and I used to be best friends, how we used to sit in her basement playing lego and Bay Blades, I don't even know what it's called exactly, and how much fun we once had.. And then thinking on it now, she's nothing in my life.. Last winter, she was invited to the funeral but never showed up, her dad did though.. Its nice to know how some people can go from caring so much, to not caring at all.. Or how someone can care about you SO much and you don't care for them at all, but instead you care for the people that don't even acknowledge you. It's like a never ending circle of not caring for the ones that truly mean the most in your life.
Sometimes things just frustrate me.
And most of the time I just want to scream.. and throw things.
Instead of writing out my emotions in my book, I've just thrown everything aside. Sometimes I don't look deep enough, I just look at the surface of things and think that there's a problem, I look at the false problem, when the real problem is going to have a bigger effect. That's the problem I have to dig deep down for .. I need something inspiring to happen. Little do I know, everything that is happening to me in life IS indeed inspiring me, in ways that i obviously can't comprehend right now, and definitely can't understand or dont notice that they do inspire me, a hidden gesture if you will call it that. I can't even begin to put together a reason why these things are happening. My ideas leave me hanging. My thoughts aren't abstract enough. And my feelings make everything else twice as confusing for me. Why you come, I'll never know. And the answer to why you leave in such a rush maybe not occur to me for a while. I feel like just sitting here though. Wondering what's up with that .. Wondering how some people can have such beauty and talents right under their skin, but yet not realize it. Or how someone can not care so much. I cannot describe how I feel. For me, it is too intense and to small, yet huge of a feeling, to describe. So, I'll put my pen to paper tonight, and just think of you, think of life, think of how many times I feel guilty or worthless or like nothing can bring me down, and write it out. Maybe my subconscious will peak through and give me a hand. I'm too weak to notice somethings on my own, that's why I need you here, my other half. To be the half that I am missing. Form into one.. Oh dear friend, do I need you now =( .
x.
