My mind is packed right now. I want to know, when will it ever be safe to just open up to someone again. And know that they will not JUDGE me for my past. Or what I want my future to turn into. I am having such a mixture of thoughts right now. I just need my sister here. She's the one that always told me it would be okay, the one that helped me to escape. I think I am just lonely here. HELLO. EARTH TO MADISON HAILEY-ANN KEYES. Why is it that I feel like I constantly need someone who will tell me that they need me, and all that jazz ?. My mind.. is so abstract sometimes.
I can go one day with wanting something SO BAD, to the next day, or maybe even the next hour, to not even giving a fuck. If my mother taught me one thing in my life, that would be to want the things that you have, and to not wish your life away. Sometimes, when I think about Deanna (mom) I laugh, at how much beauty she had thrown away, maybe for her kids. Or maybe just for her selfishness. But, I do however know that there were once people in my life that I could never forgive. The Lord tells you to always forgive, but I am just finding it hard to let go of some things. Times that I hardly let myself re-visit. I wish that some things never happened, and that others had more depth to them. I wish that my Poppy were still alive. He always was one that understood..
Maybe that's it. Maybe I am just seeking someone to understand. Someone who can relate. I would like to meet someone who could relate.. I almost feel like I am Harry Potter, with all these dark secrets hahahahah.
I am my own best friend. Kind of sad. I know. I GOT IT. I miss Mellissa. Dear, please don't ever leave my life. Being strong is not a quality I look for in most. I actually tend to look for the broken, and the weak. But in the end.. All I really need is somebody strong to fall back on. I go to deep into my own thoughts sometimes. And I pull up old emotions and re-play them, and allow them to re-enter into my life. It is horrifying.
I think I like someone.. But no one that anyone would ever guess. I don't even know if he would know..
HANGER.
x.
